My uterus hurts right now.  My “cycle” was 26 days last time.  I know that because my “smart” phone has an app that tracks it.  Why would I need to track it?  Am I trying to get pregnant?  Am I trying to avoid getting pregnant?  None of the above/irrelevant.  I am celibate.  I just want to be able to predict when I’m going to need 10 hours of sleep in order to feel like only a half-zombie.  (It was Monday & Tuesday.)

Sorry for the blurriness.  I am no longer addicted to sugar!  It took about a week and a half.  I do believe in such a thing as a sugar addiction now.  I went through serious withdrawal symptoms when I quit.  Quitting sugar was much harder than quitting cigarettes.

My head hurts.  I hate that the pain is making its way into my writing, but it’s at a level where it kind of can’t not.  It’s either don’t write anything or acknowledge that my head hurts.  Also the cramps still.

Have you ever seen once of those lightning balls?  Static balls?  I don’t know what they’re called.  Kids like them.  You put your hand on the top and it looks like lighting is shooting at you where you touch it.  That is what my uterus is doing.  Shooting lightning out toward its edges.  If that pain were visual, that is what it would look like.

I feel bad about neglecting this blog.  I’m still not sure what I want to do with it.  What do you want me to do with it?  I have so many other projects.  I’m probably going to start some sort of health/beauty blog.  Thought about putting it here (insta-audience!), but I won’t do that to you.  I’ve dragged you through so much over the years already.

I remember when I first changed from writing whatever I wanted to writing an Elgin-focused blog.  A few people left indignant comments.  ”I’ve never commented before, but I’ve enjoyed reading you for years now.  This–I just can’t read it.  It’s a small town I’ve never heard of!  These posts have nothing to do with me or anything I like!”  I’m paraphrasing.

My dog is really sickening me right now with the sounds he is making by licking himself.  It sounds like an actual human vigorously sucking a cock.  It is sick.  Also he’s deaf so the only thing he can hear these days is when I clap.  I keep clapping and he’ll jump up and look shocked and stop licking for maybe 20 seconds then lie down and start again.  He’s just licking his feet and legs.  Does it feel good?  Is it his way of scratching them?  Do his legs taste like something?

I’m going to be changing a lot in this apartment in preparation for working from home full-time.  If everything goes according to plan I will buy a desk on Saturday.  Then with my June 1 paycheck I will buy a lot of paint and paint every single room in here.  Painting.  That should be a good time to listen to podcasts.

So many plans, so little time.  I do wonder if I spread myself too thin.  If I am making myself the cliche “jack of all trades, master of none” or whatever because I don’t just focus in on one thing enough.

When I quit the PhD program (2007), it was to slow down.  I was going to live simply, be present, etc., etc.  These past couple of months I’ve been working myself as hard as the PhD program worked me.  The only difference is that all of my assignments and deadlines have been self-imposed.

You never told me that your mom was a real estate agent!

It got me thinking about when I quit that program.  Part of the reason I quit was because a professor said “This is it.  This is what academics do.  It won’t get easier once you have the degree.  You’ll get paid more, but you won’t have easier work or fewer deadlines or more free time.”  That’s when I was like “Holy shit.  I’m out.  I don’t want to do this forever.”  I had been viewing it as a means to an end and when I realized there was no end, I bailed.  (Though on second thought, there are easier, less time-consuming positions.  Not all PhDs are academics.  Many teach undergrad and do no research whatsoever.  Clearly my professor knew that was not my aim.)

Although this lifestyle has been self-imposed, I am stopping to ask myself something similar.  When does it stop?  I tell myself it’s just temporary–a means to an end.  I just keep myself super busy right now, but once I reach x, y, or z goal I will loosen up and work only 40 hours per week like a regular person and have much more time to get enough sleep and engage in more leisure activities.  But I think I need to find balance now.  

Same thing with dudes.  I tell myself what I’m now realizing are lies.  I tell myself I don’t have time for a guy now, but once I do x, y, or z (become self-employed, get what the what published, etc.) then I will feel okay dedicating more of my time to pursuing or cultivating a relationship.  To an extent I believe it.  I don’t want a distraction.  I don’t want a guy to get in the way of my creative pursuits.  But do I trust myself that little?  Do I think I’m so stupid that I would not notice it happening?  That I am such a fool for love that I could not break the spell and cut it off if a relationship were negatively affecting the things I consider most important in my life?

I used to, certainly, but I think that’s changing.  And I realize that if I keep waiting for when I’m “ready” or when I’ve achieved some bench mark then I will be waiting for decades.  What makes more sense is to try and find a man that respects my goals, does not feel threatened by them, will not place a high demand on my time, understands that I still want a deep level of intimacy even if I cannot be joined at the hip with him, and will support and encourage me.  I have almost exclusively viewed men as a threat to all of my goals.  That cannot be true.  There have to be some out there who would support and encourage me.

I’m still not going to date until July because I like to stick with things (did I even write about that here?), but once I do, I will be looking for someone who can complement the driven (occasionally obsessively so) and focused life I have developed for myself.  Someone who will support and encourage me and who I can support and encourage in return.

Woman seeks lover, friend, muse, and proofreader.  That pretty much sums it up.

G’night my lil crampies.

How many times per day do you watch this? Just curious how I compare. Can’t figure out who the dude’s rap reminds me of.  Tip of the tongue.  Not sure though.

Things are going great–mostly.  I know have I tendencies toward perfectionism and over-working myself and all of that, and I’m trying to resist it, really trying, but, BUT!  That’s just it.  But.

Nicki Minaj’s butt.

Kidding.

There’s no but.  I am just impatient.  I get thirsty.  I reached the goal I set for myself (get a writing-based internet marketing freelance/temp job(s) by April 1st) and now my eyes are on the next goal (get BETTER writing-based jobs or else move up in these two).  I was talking to my mom about it and perhaps getting worked up into a tiny frenzy and she looked at me like I’m crazy and said “You’ve worked at these places ONE MONTH.”

For a split second I thought “Good point.  I should chill for at least six months.”  But that split second split open and I knew right away, no.  These are just above entry-level.  They are stepping stones and I don’t want to stand on them for very long.  I’m not dissing the companies–they’re both cool and if they want to help me move up in a way that fits I’ll stay at either of them, but if they don’t, I won’t.  I’m not going to chill for six months and then think about what’s next.  I’m on what’s next now, and six months is the absolute end deadline for getting there.

Which would be fine and good if that were all I were doing, but the thing is, that’s just what I’m doing for money.  For my own love and joy and passion I still have the novel, the podcast, and a list of twenty articles I want to write.  And where my trouble comes in is how do I do that while doing the stuff I need to do to move to a better/higher-paying job quickly?  When I get home from work I can write for my own professional blog, which will help me move up and get better paid positions, but after that am I honestly going to write a freelance article?  I can’t look at a computer screen every waking moment.

I read an article today about the 40 hour work week, and how beyond 40 hours productivity is lost.  I have mixed feelings about it.  Not sure if I believe it 100%, but really want to believe it.

I don’t believe in sacrificing sleep, exercise, healthy eating, friendships, etc. because of work.  But you can have all of those and work 50 hours.  I think it’s less about the # of hours and more about the motivation behind them.  40 hours per week for someone else tires me out.  Every morning I have trouble waking up.  But guess what?  On both Saturday and Sunday morning I woke up without an alarm because I was so geeked to get kicking on my own projects.

And then I would like this spot to be nice too, but at this point I need a dumping ground and this blog is a bit of a dumping ground for me right now.  OH, that reminds me–I’m not doing Link Love any more (did I already mention this?) and instead I will be posting all of my links on my tumblr along w/ my instagram photos.

Time management is key and quite honestly probably my most difficult stumbling block.  I love reading and going online is constant access to a seemingly infinite number of posts and articles.  Just tonight I had to finish up a blog post for a job that was a 1-hour time budget thing.  Took me 3 hours.  Not because I’m a slow writer, but because every 5 minutes I’d take a 10 minute break and go scope out a bunch of websites.  Gotta get more disciplined in that area.

Do you have similar troubles?

Later.

How are you?

Are you doing well?  Are you satisfied with the state of your life?

These photos were taken in Chicago.  Quite a while ago, actually.

I haven’t been bringing my camera out with me much since I got a smart phone.

I’m on instagram.  My name is yesjessica if you wanted to look me up and follow me.

I think it’s funny that so many iPhone users became outraged when instagram became available for Androids.  You know you only see the photos taken by people you follow, right?  You know who you follow is within your control, right?

One of the more laughable things I’ve heard lately.  I suppose the whole “I’m an Apple” thing worked and some people really have latched onto it as part of their identities.

The last word here says “poet.”  Did I really not post these before?  I checked three times and don’t see them, but I swear I remember it.  Maybe I’m just remembering uploading them to flickr.

And now we’re in Elgin, IL.  Speaking of paint, I’m most likely remaining in my apartment for another year.  That has me thinking that maybe I should paint it.  Lately I find my apartment dull at best, disgusting at worst.

Whoever painted my bedroom, however, did a poor job.  The walls are white(ish), but you can tell they used to be blue.  There is blue along the base boards and on the ceiling near the wall.  It is one of those small things that makes me feel sick after a while.  So not only would I have to paint the walls, I’d have to paint the ceiling, too.  Naturally there’s paint all over the outlets and light switch covers.  So what is a girl to do?  Buy new light switch covers?  The paint on the outlet is on the actually outlet, not the cover.  That would require unhooking and rehooking electrical wires.  It’d be a hassle, but an entire year of looking at that?

Or maybe I could work on my mind, instead.  Work on becoming a person who is not disgusted by her surroundings.  Not sure how to do that.  Focus on other things, I suppose.

I blog for my baby’s sake.

Hi.  How are you?  I am well, thank you.

I am good.  I know it’s not proper to say “I’m good,” but I like saying that better than “I’m well.”  Whenever someone says “How are you?” and I reply with “I’m good.  You?” and they say “I’m well,” I feel like they’re correcting me and I want to explain “I know you said it correctly, but I said the way I PREFER,” but I don’t because that’s just throwing neuroses in someone’s face when all they did was ask how you are.  (Though it might very well be a good sampling of how, actually, you are.)

“Well” is something baby Jessicas fall down and get trapped in whereas “good” has four circles in a row all pretty-like.

Anyway, just poppin’ (four circles again!) in to say what up.  What’s poppin? What’s good?

Things are going well.  I’m working like crazy.  Pretty soon my finances will be more in order as a result of it and I look forward to that.  My first and foremost goal is to follow the rule I’ve always ignored and rack up stacks of money high enough to live off of for three months.  After that shit job I quit w/ out notice back in February I’ve realized that NOT having that type of padding puts me in a very vulnerable position where those paying me have much more room to be completely horrid because I don’t want to be unable to eat/pay rent/buy gasoline/feed my dogs.

I get paid tomorrow.  I ran out of dog food so I’ve been feeding them frozen chicken.  [Ed's note: I cook it first!]  They love it.  Cute, oblivious dogs.  But yes, I have full faith in myself that I could find a decent job within three months.  Having three months’ worth of living expenses in the bank would give me more of an air of confidence in the work place and more guts to stand up for myself, demand to be treated well, ask for raises when I deserve them, etc. because I wouldn’t fear “the worst,” i.e. being fired.  I wouldn’t fear it because I’d have that padding I could land on like a big down comforter.

I’m working on so much right now.  For the next month or so this blog will probably just be “updates for people who give a shit about me.”  And if you really do, maybe you will be interested in helping a gal out by “liking” or subscribing to her stuff.

I started an internet blog.  ”Aren’t all blogs ‘internet’ blogs?,” you may ask.  The topic is internet.  At first I put “internet marketing,” but it won’t just be marketing.  It’ll include tech and social media for fun and pleasure and anything else related to the internet.

We’re really ramping up the efforts on What Song is in that Commercial.  We’ve had several days of over 1,000 unique visits now.  I put together a strategic plan that is damn good.  Now to implement it and also share it.  I will enjoy the success for the sake of success and also as something to show in order to entice people to hire me.

Other projects include the podcast, which has been backburnered the past two weeks, but will be inching back to the forefront and also freelance writing.  I have a list of things I want to write and places I want to send the writings.  Wish me luck.  Naturally I will share anything I publish here and in ten other places like a loud mouth

I’ve agreed to do free work for (too) many people and I’m hoping to just bang away on that and knock it out before April is over then learn never to make that mistake again.  (Half-joking.)  The projects will be fun and they will be good to show to potential employers, but dang, I had way more people take me up on the offer than I expected!  And I didn’t have the heart to turn anyone away.

Welp, I think I will go do some of that free work for the next 30 minutes and then hit the hay. Oh, you didn’t know I sleep on hay now?  Yes, all the thirty-somethings are doing it, I’ve heard, and I might be weird but I still want to fit in.

G’night ya’ll.

If I feel like blogging, I should just blog a lil bit more, right?  Yes.  Right.

I’d be remiss if I failed to mention that Susannah Breslin has been “speaking to me” lately.  She is a writer and, well, just click her name already and see what I’m talking about.  I saw her tweet that she “waffled” after posting that post, but it was too late.  I’d already read it and it already confirmed my own convictions.

You know, I really think “wealth creation,” if you’ll excuse the term, has everything to do with your mental and emotional state.  I used to hear people who made money say that and I’d think “It’s not that easy,” or “They don’t know what they’re talking about.”

They did.  They really did!  It’s about motivation and drive and commitment and self-esteem.  I used to have a belief system that was incompatible with making money.  I felt guilt.  I was literally almost running the opposite direction when I saw money offered to me.  It felt dirty and wrong.  I was misguided.

If you see someone drowning and feel sympathy for them, do you say, “Welp, it isn’t fair for me NOT to drown, so I might as well hop into the eddy” or whatever?  No, of course not.  That’s counter-productive.  Voluntary poverty (which is really where I’ve been, if I honestly assess the situation) doesn’t help anyone.  It just creates more anxiety within me and actually does the opposite of what I would hope for deep down–it REDUCES my power to help others.

Funny thing.

I do definitely believe that your thoughts and beliefs create your life.  Not in a mystical “The Secret” way where invisible vibrations literally bring things to you like a magnet, but more in a Thomas the Tank Engine “I think I can, I think I can” sort of way, where you chug and chug and then suddenly, woah!, you CAN!

Time to sleep.

You know, I almost didn’t post this or the previous post.  A self-censoring tendency to “try not to look crazy” almost stopped me.  HA!  Nice try!  I thought, “People who read this will have probably read those depressive posts from not too far back and might think that this isn’t valid in any real sense, that this is just the upswing chatter of a moody woman.”

Well, it is real, in a real sense (can things be real in any other sense?), and part of being real is speaking (/writing) truthfully, allowing your voice to push past fear, push past ideas of “what people will think.”

Goodnight for real this time, folkies.  XOXO