Happy Birthday, America. Despite all of the bad things I say about you, I’m glad to be here. In some other countries, I could get killed for this post. Killed! That’s insane. I can’t even imagine such a society. Because of you, America, that idea seems unreal! Call me reluctantly grateful, but I am grateful nonetheless.
As I mentioned, I posed nude. The photographer sent me forty photos today. Forty! Here are the ones I like the best.
The photog doesn’t have a professional website that I know of, but he does have a Model Mayhem profile. He’s moving to Austin so if anyone in that area is interested in being shot nude, hit him up.
I think this was one he took while shaky balancing in the window sill. Neat-o. I’ve felt a variety of reactions to these since receiving them this morning. Sometimes it’s difficult to see exactly how you look in the buff, particularly from unflattering angles. I’d rather know than not know, however. Seeing photos of myself should not be a shock. The experience has, as hoped, led to further self-acceptance.
Why did I want to pose nude?, people have asked. The urge began in 2006 when I first learned of Frank Cordelle and The Century Project. I think these two B&W photos of me standing are the most “Cordelle” of the bunch.
Basically it took me 6 years to gather up the courage to do this. For years I had a boyfriend who said he’d dump me if I posed nude after he found out about my urge. (I never posed nude as a result. He dumped me anyway.) My conservative family would consider these pornographic and “filth.” Of course there are the men and women who assume only “sluts” pose nude and will judge me accordingly. Then there are the many businesses who won’t hire someone if they know nude photos of the person exist online.
It took me 6 years to listen to my voice over all of those voices. As grateful as I am for the good ole USA, my culture is even freer than the dominant one in this place.
If a guy won’t want to date me because I’ve done this (and plan on doing it again), great! That’s important information for me to have. I don’t want to waste time becoming close with a dude only to later find out our values systems are entirely incompatible. As for my family and potential employers, well, I don’t plan on sending the link to this out, but if this is found? So what. If you have a problem, it’s your problem and you can go stew on it by yourself, away from me. I feel happy and free and more comfortable with myself than I have in a while.
From Frank Cordelle’s website: One of the project’s goals, through the book, exhibitions, and this website, is to effect change in societal attitudes towards women’s bodies. Its method is to give voice to women through pictures and words, which project, among much else, courage, vulnerability, strength, diversity, multiplicity, and uniqueness.
Prior to finding Frank Cordelle, I too had for the most part accepted the cultural lie that nudity necessarily implies sexuality and that female nudity generally only exists in order to attract or please males.
I don’t see it that way any longer. Nudity is our natural state. A society in which the majority of people feel uncomfortable with their physical bodies is sick. Hopefully not ill beyond repair, but very, very sick. Knowing so many people see culture as fact–which is not to see it at all–saddens me.
Rather than a desperate attempt to please males or culture or what-have-you, I see nudity as a way to push back. You want women to look like that? Well guess what, shit heads? We actually look like this. I think of it as being in the same vein as xojane’s real belly project or “fatkini” gallery.
I don’t think my body is perfect, but I do think it is beautiful. Perfect things usually aren’t beautiful to me, I’ve realized. A physical “flaw” such as cellulite or stretch marks is not a direct reflection of who I am. Thinking something minor (and largely uncontrollable) is “me” would be a flaw much larger than the mark or bump.
And even though I’ve accepted my own beauty (for now–I’m sure at some point it will become a struggle once again), that doesn’t mean there aren’t things I’d like to improve. I know my tattoos look bad and when I can afford it, I plan to have them touched up. I know my stomach could be flatter and more defined so I’m eating and doing exercises toward that end. Striving toward improvement doesn’t have to mean disliking myself now, however.
I also dislike that I can’t afford a better apartment or car, but I accept those things and don’t stress over them as I work toward improvement in my finances. It should be the same with the body, I believe. “Accepting” how something is right now is not in any way becoming complacent or giving up. I’ve just recently figured this out. I’d thought if you wanted change you had to be upset! Worked up! Angry! Disgusted! In fact, if you accept how something is right now it is much easier to make the changes you desire because your foundation is honest assessment and an non-judgmental attitude. I believe this is true far beyond the personal.
These last ones were from the “sexy” portion of the shoot. Funny how women are often “sexier” in clothing than without any, isn’t it?
Speaking of sexy, I’d be remiss if I did not mention Raymi the Minx. I’m sure that seeing her post self-taken nudes on and off over the past 8 years had an impact on me. Just the other day she wrote something that I found particularly quotable:
I am not ashamed of nudity nor do I feel like I should be obliged to feel your shame for it.
Iliza Shlesinger has a joke about how women don’t like doing it doggie style (Speak for yourself, Iliza!) because when we’re in that position our breasts hang down like cow’s udders. I guess it’s sort of true, huh? My argument would be, “Hey, so what!”
This particular photo was a rough one to shoot. I was a little (okay, a lot) paranoid about my vagina touching something dirty during the photo shoot so in each pose I figured out a way to maneuver myself so it wasn’t actually touching anything but just looked like it. It was difficult to do that with this pose, but I pulled it off! My tail bone is what was actually touching the bed.
I recently came across a wonderful quote from Margaret Cho that I’d like to end with. I added the boldness. (I do want to note, however, that I don’t “follow” her and this is not an endorsement of her political views or comedy since I know nothing about either.)
If you are a woman, if you’re a person of color, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, if you are a person of size, if you are a person of intelligence, if you are a person of integrity, then you are considered a minority in this world.
…And it’s going to be really hard to find messages of self-love and support anywhere. Especially in women’s and gay men’s culture. It’s all about how you have to look a certain way or else you’re worthless. You know when you look in the mirror and you think ‘oh, I’m so fat, I’m so old, I’m so ugly’, don’t you know, that’s not your authentic self? But that is billions upon billions of dollars of advertising, magazines, movies, billboards, all geared to make you feel shitty about yourself so that you will take your hard earned money and spend it at the mall on some turn-around creme that doesn’t turn around shit.
When you don’t have self-esteem you will hesitate before you do anything in your life. You will hesitate to go for the job you really wanna go for, you will hesitate to ask for a raise, you will hesitate to call yourself an American, you will hesitate to report a rape, you will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote, you will hesitate to dream. For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution and our revolution is long overdue.
If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it!
23 Responses to Happy Birthday, America.
Leave a Reply
- My name is Jessica.
These are great!
Thanks, Tony.
I have to congratulate you on your photo shoot. The photos came out great. I’m glad you feel comfortable and confident enough to show yourself nude. It’s kind of cliche, but when a woman looks happy and/or confident, it does make her more attractive.
That’s a good quote by Margaret Cho. I lack self-esteem because I don’t think I have the characteristics of the “Hunky Joe” women supposedly want, in terms of both personality and physical appearance. Especially physical appearance. All I know is if someone liked the way I appear nude, I’d feel like a million bucks. I would feel more confident about my appearance and maybe other things in my life. It’s a matter of being accepted as I am.
About hanging breasts – I think they can be hot, so women shouldn’t get too hung up about that. About the last photo – I think that’s the only one that looks slightly porny. Maybe it’s your position and the phallic bed post.
Thanks, Martin. I rarely see articles about men’s body image, but here is one you might be interested in: http://confrontinglove.com/2012/02/01/lets-talk-about-penises-shall-we/
It’s more about penis size than general body image, but the general issue of insecurity/self-acceptance is the same.
I know that you probably wouldn’t want to write about that topic for your own blog, but if you ever wanted to write a guest post for my blog (could be anonymous or first name only), let me know. I think my readers would be interested in reading that. I only write about female body image, but not because I think men don’t have any body image issues. It’s just because I’m female so that’s what I’m familiar with.
Also, I agree w/ the last photo. That’s why I put it last. I liked the smile on my face though so I kept it in. I can tell it is genuine and wasn’t posed.
I have no worries about penis size. I have what I have (and it is average), and there is nothing I can do about it. My body image issues are more weight-related. Even though my friends say I look fine, I think I could lose 30 pounds. They haven’t seen me with my shirt off! But I see lots of fat guys who should have no chance in hell of getting a woman walking around with a wife or girlfriend, so I guess some women aren’t fat-phobic.
I can definitely say that America received a better birthday than I will in a few weeks. All jokes aside, this was a stunning shoot and you have an amazingly beautiful body. It definitely takes courage to pose nude and more so when you’re doing it for yourself. It’s sharing a side of you that is the most delicate and vulnerable and that, in turn, makes you stronger.
Congratulations on this photo shoot, for sharing your beauty with us and for doing something that you wanted to do. To hell with anyone that tries (or tried) to take that away from you. It’s nothing more than a petty means of control and jealousy which keeps too many people from doing the things that might provide any extra happiness and confidence in their lives.
Also, I don’t blame you for not wanting your vagina to touch the bedpost. I’m a man and would feel weird about my balls touching it as well so I can only imagine your mindset about not doing that.
Thanks, Barry. Happy early birthday.
“It’s nothing more than a petty means of control and jealousy which keeps too many people from doing the things that might provide any extra happiness and confidence in their lives.”
Very true.
HERO.
Aw, thanks.
You look great, Jessica!
Thanks, Rob. Long time no comment!
Hey jessica those are some nice pictures I think your are PRETTY and BRAVE
Oh and i just wanted to tell you that you are reall sexy <3 @_@
Thanks, Emiliano. I’m proud of you for dropping the “69″ at the end of your name for this second comment.
Ur very beautiful
Awesome. Good for you. And you look great (hanging breasts and all).
I’m a nudist, when I can make the time for it, that is. It took me a long time to work up the nerve to get naked in public. I know what you must’ve been feeling. More people need to push themselves like you.
I had a nude model girlfriend a few years ago. Plenty of us don’t mind it.
I keep saying I’d like to try doing some nude photography, but never get around to it. I can definitely say, I’d love to shoot someone like you. Keep up the good work.
And, also, damn you… because of coming across this post I now need to look through the rest of your blog, even though I don’t have the time for it. Thanks a lot.
You have lovely eyes and beautiful smile
Wonderful, I like everything here, courage
))))
Boy am I late to the party….I discovered your site while searching for Cordell images…after a lot of bouncing around and reading about you, your stuff, your ethical/emotional adventures and perspective shifts, I felt some kinship…been there done that… At any rate, I felt compelled to type a few observations. Remember what they say about free advice from strangers…you get what you pay for. #1) your beautiful! Love the nudes and the courage for publishing.The quotes were spot on. Feel good about yourself! You are clearly intelligent as well so it is a double whammy! Super sexy! (I hope that isnt creepy..) #2) Keep at it ! Searching for truth/happiness/meaning in this world means that you are a thinking, empathetic, honest person…it only makes you more interesting. Too many people lack imagination and even if they have it are too scared or inhibited to “be” who they would like to be. Dont let them slow you down or deter you. 3) When you get to be my age (a ripe old 52) you will find that dispite all that is wrong with the world, happiness sort of sneaks up on you and you will feel good about it having it because you know you earned it. Not sure any of this blathering has a point, but you have a nice blog and I enjoyed reading it. BTW I would recommend art modeling…easy cash, yoga like and very relaxing. I find that it “norms” my mind and spirit after dealing with all of the BS of daily life. Best, Ken
Thanks for the comment, Ken. I have actually had several artists contact me about modeling for them and I will begin modeling for a painter in about a week. I’m looking forward to it.
i started in college for the cash and still do it now just to force myself to “stop” the day
You mentioned the possibility of your family or potential employers discovering these photos online. I’m wondering if that’s happened and what the reactions were.
Beautiful shots, by the way.
My employment situation has changed and that is no longer a worry. I will probably never again take a job that would fire me for this. As far as my family goes, I don’t think they’re aware of the photos but if they did that would be their problem. I’m no longer anxious about that.